SOAP Notes

The latest SOAP Notes entry:

May 6, 2008
2 Samuel 11-12; Psalm 51; Matthew 23

S: Psalm 51:6 Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.
Matthew 23:3 …all that they tell you, do and observe, but do not do according to their deeds; for they say things and do not do them.
Matthew 23:12 Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted.

O: The core theme I see in all of these verses seems to be a concept akin to integrity. In Psalms, the idea is internal truth. In the Matthew verses, it’s about being real both to what one says, and also to what one is. So, for me, the observation is that these verses relate to being a true person who demonstrates the truth in their actions, and who demonstrates their knowledge of the truth in their humility.

A: I am a very flawed person, and verses like these draw that knowledge, which is always under the surface for me, out into my full attention.

First, I find myself denying the truth of who I am in so many ways. I deny my imperfections, or more correctly ignore them by focusing on the imperfections of others. I deny my failures by over-focusing on my few successes and blowing them up in my mind, and over-focusing on my strong traits to the exclusion of addressing my weaknesses. I deny my duty to Christ in living how I want without regard for what I should be doing, what I should be saying, and how I should be behaving. I have moments of introspection that I try to avoid, through activity or through mind-numbing or through sheer evasion, so that I don’t have to understand what it really means to be me.

Second, and alluded to in the first, is that my actions don’t portray the truth. I know how to behave, to my wife or to my daughter or to my friends or (even) to my enemies. And I can offer advice to others about how they should behave to those same classes of people. But I shudder everytime I hear the verse about the cloud of witnesses that watches, unseen. I won’t engage in such false modesty as to say that I never do right. In fact, I do it enough to demonstrate that I know what it is, and I do it enough that people know that I know better when I do wrong. That said, I act out and speak out and lash out in so many ways that are so opposed to how I’m supposed to so often that I’m clearly not a man of integrity.

Finally, I’m a man of pride. Even in moments like these where I’m able to focus on my negatives, I find myself struggling not to puff my chest out at the plusses on my ledger. God has gifted me in too many ways to number, and I’m thankful in these moments of insight for that. But too, too often I look at these blessings as the works of my hands, and I fancy myself something greater than what I really am. I know deep inside, in my heart of hearts, that I’m here for something important. And I know with absolute certainty that, as long as I look at being important as the goal, as opposed to serving an important end, I will never achieve it. Humility requires knowing that we, of ourselves, mean so little in the great scheme. I’m important to my friends and to my family, but in truth I’m a speck. I have a part to play, and that’s all, and if I look at things as being about me, as opposed to being about that part, I’m missing the point.

And so the application: I need to seek the truth of who I am. What is the mission for me, and how do I serve that end (and who do I serve to that end)? What are my flaws, and how can I work to address them? Where I’m falling short, what do I need to address to allow me to reach what is there for me? I need to develop consistency within and without. I need integrity.

P: God, help me to be wise, and to search myself for those things that lead me to distraction, to delusion, and to destruction. Let me be a man who behaves in a way that reflects a true image of a heart that’s been molded by You, and that is dedicated to serving Your purpose. Help me put aside the stumbling blocks, whether those of attitudes inside of me or behaviors I engage in, and help me to become a man of integrity, strength, and consistency. Amen.