Leaving the Metblog

I announced yesterday on the Portland Metroblog that I'm leaving at the end of the week. I didn't really figure I'd get much in terms of questions why I'm leaving, but since I received a comment on another post on my blog here asking what's the dilly-o, I just thought I'd share (and put to rest any speculation).

First, a few people know that a couple of weeks ago I started a firestorm over there with a post regarding the Pride Parade. At one point in the comments, deiselboi (one of the Metblog team captains) seemed to imply that I was out to hurt people with my post or push an agenda or whatever. I fired back with an invitation to can me if he really thought that was my point. He never responded, and I don't take that to mean he was backing off of his point or just letting it go. It was what it was, a disagreement between peers.

Betsy, the other co-captain (and a person who, as much or more as any blogger, I've come to regard as a friend over the three or four years I've known her) later put up a post that was pretty much an angry tirade regarding the Metblog and the divisiveness that had seeped into it. She e-mailed me to let me know that I wasn't the main brunt of her post, but she was also clear that she disagreed with my Pride post. All fair.

The post itself sparked ample conversation about me, in part because people read it as being primarily aimed at me, and in part because they mis-read it to say things about me and/or my attitudes that it didn't (a mis-reading that was reasonable, given how her post was written, and she was very good about clarifying things to clear up any misunderstandings she may have inadvertently caused).

Betsy and I were e-mailing back and forth throughout this, so we were clear between us that, basically, I didn't mean the hurt feelings I caused in my original post, she believed me, and as to the two of us we'd be moving on. I did take an active part in the comments sections of the two posts in question, though, because unlike some people, I don't just throw out posts to spark things and then disregard them; I'm interested in the comments to anything I post, and where I feel that the comments express misunderstanding or unintended consequences of my posts, I'm interested in clarifying or reacting in other appropriate ways. I think that's all a part of responsible blogging.

Anyway, the furor over those two posts died down, but I personally felt the whole experience was fairly stressful. In fact, as blogging goes, the two most stressful experiences I've had in the past few years were Metblog-related, and recent. One experience in May I won't be sharing with you, and then the Pride issue in June that I've discussed.

In the past year I've also taken a new job (that is finally gearing up into full swing), I have a daughter who's now in the terrible twos (as cute as she is, she's getting to be quite willful), a car that died, a dog that broke out a window at home, constant stresses on my schedule...things have just been getting stressful. And the Metblog has also become a source of stress for me, instead of the source of release that it once was.

A few years ago, I had an episode where I ended up being diagnosed with depression and some anxiety issues. I was able, over time, to work through that stuff. But, in the last week or so, I've started feeling the internal jumble, for lack of a better word, that I used to feel back then, and I realize I need to take some steps to face that. One is cutting back on caffeine, which has always had a love-hate relationship with me. Another key step is reducing stress where I can.

And so I'm cutting the Metblot. It was actually a very tough decision to make. At this point, today, I'm one of the longest-lasting Metbloggers in Portland, with 833 days in (as of today) since my first post (to compare, Russ has 946, Betsy has 945, Banana Lee Fishbones has 928, and then me, and then deiselboi has 706 days in, and then the fall off goes down to the 500's for Alex Williams, then the 300's for jonashpdx, then the 200's for divebarwife, then into the 100's for Cami and kai, then 34 for Nino, the newest). I've taken pride in my involvement, and had fun sharing my viewpoints on things with Portlanders in a larger format than my own little piddly blog.

But, at the same time, when you put your views out there, you have to worry about a variety of things: will a boss notice my blogging and decide I shouldn't be around anymore? Will some upset reader try to figure out who I am and then try to let my boss know about my blogging, leading to the first issue? Will my blogging in such a wide venue come back to bite me in some other, unexpected way down the road? Will the Timbers Army kick my ass for bashing on Timber Jim one time too many? All of these thoughts can cause some stress, and when you have them all together, all the time, along with concerns such as mine that my ideas are being misunderstood and are actually hurting people, well, I'd rather just give that up.

For those who are wondering, I advised Betsy of my impending retirement by e-mail yesterday, and she's offered only kind words, which is what I expected. And, for those who need to hear it clearly, I was not asked to leave the Metblog and have never felt any pressure to leave the Metblog. It was just a decision that was right for me at this time, and I'm comfortable that I won't look back on it with regret.

For those who may end up decrying my viewpoint being gone from there, it will still be here. Maybe a bit less of it, because when there's not a 2-post-a-week rule in effect (like at the Metblog) I'm known to take breaks. But, rest assured, I'm not ready to be completely quiet yet. I just need to be in a smaller, quieter room where people are coming because they want to hear me, and not just stumbling across me as they try to learn about other stuff. My audience, whatever that word means, is pretty self-selecting. I suspect that the people who actually care what I have to say will check in here from time-to-time.

If you're missing out on my posting and wondering what's up, you can always e-mail me at rustyblog at gmail dot com. I'm happy to bounce around Blazer thoughts or what-not, even in a non-blog setting.

To the Metblog, I'm bidding a fond good-bye. To my readers, if I have any, you're welcome to continue the journey.