Man in the Mirror

I'm really not a Michael Jackson fan. Back in the day, when "Thriller" was hot and everyone was moonwalking and trying to find the perfect sequined glove to adorn one hand with, I was into him. Everyone was. Michael Jackson was the King of Pop.

That was a long time ago, and a lot of water has gone under the bridge. There's just too much speculation and inuendo out there for me to be anything but uncomfortable at the very mention of his name.

But today I heard him, and listened to his words, and I identified with the truth of them.

As I made clear earlier this week, I'm involved in a change of sorts. I've been a certain way for a long time. And I'm not happy with being that way anymore, and I'm moving forward from that. It was all inspired by a sort of cathartic moral crisis (by the way, for those readers who've sent me "are you okay" e-mails, yes I am, and thank you very much for asking and caring enough to drop me a line, and also thank you for not asking me what my crisis was. It's not your business. The people who need to know do, and that's all that needs to be said about that. Well, I suppose to assuage any fears on the part of the few friends who drop in to read my thoughts, I'll just say it's not a marital issue, so if you've wondered about that, please don't worry).

In the past 5 days, I have felt myself change. I've grown a lot as a man. I've turned away from some things that I used to do that I knew I shouldn't but did anyway. I've noticed my mind lingering less where it should. I've noticed a clarity that I haven't felt for quite awhile. I like it, and though it took pain in me and because of me to bring it about, in terms of my own life the pain is bringing about some good effects.

Which is not to say that I'm out of the woods. My crisis provided a jolt, and that moved me onto a new path. The old path is still visible. The old enticements still call to me. My old attitude is attempting to creep back in. I'm aware of all of this.

Last night I was thinking about this, the ability to change which is constantly thwarted by the ability to cling to the status quo. I've long wanted to move on from certain things in my life, and I've long found myself deciding that I'll do it tomorrow. Day after day, I would let myself fall into certain traps of thought, of action, of inaction, and each time I'd experience a combination of satisfaction in relishing in something that I clearly enjoyed and frustration at knowing that I shouldn't. I'd promise myself that I'd address the issue, only to digress back into it at the next opportunity.

I don't know what it is, whether a fear of failure or a fear of success, that holds us back. We are at once afraid that we won't be able to change, and so we don't try, while at the same time we are afraid that if we do change, we'll lose certain "comforts," for lack of a better word, that we've grown accustomed to. For some it's one, or the other. For some, including me, I think it's both.

All I know is that the man I was on Monday is not the man I am today, and I'm glad of it.

Back to Michael Jackson. I was mowing the lawn today, because one of my new initiatives is doing things I ought to be doing to take care of my home and family without being asked, which I suspect my wife would identify as a miracle. I had my MP3 player in, and on came the old song "Man in the Mirror."

At first I wanted to hit the skip button. But instead I listened, and for the first time the words spoke to me.

I'm gonna make a change, for once in my life
It's gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right...

As I, turn up the collar on my favorite winter coat
This wind is blowin' my mind
I see the kids in the street, with not enough to eat
Who am I, to be blind? Pretending not to see their needs
A summer's disregard, a broken bottle top
And a one man's soul
They follow each other on the wind ya' know
'Cause they got nowhere to go
That's why I want you to know

I've been a victim of a selfish kind of love
It's time that I realize
That there are some with no home, not a nickel to loan
Could it be really me, pretending that they're not alone?

A willow deeply scarred, somebody's broken heart
And a washed-out dream
They follow the pattern of the wind, ya' see
Cause they got no place to be
That's why I'm starting with me

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make a change

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm asking him to change his ways
(Change his ways-Ooh!)
And no message could've been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
(If you wanna make the world a better place)
Take a look at yourself and then make that...
(Take a look at yourself and then make that...)
Change!

I'm starting with the man in the mirror,
I'm asking him to change his ways
No message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make the change
(ou gotta get it right, while you got the time
'Cause when you close your heart
Then you close your... mind!

It spoke to me, because there's a lot of truth there. We all have an effect on the world around us. What we feed into the world is directly influenced by what we have inside of us. In the Christian paradigm, we're taught that we need to fill ourself with Christ so that we're pouring Him out into the world. In the pop culture paradigm, we're taught "garbage in, garbage out." Either viewpoint results in the same final concensus. Who we are on the inside affects how we interact and touch the world around us.

So the first step in improving the world around is improving the world within us. As Ghandi said, "be the change you wish to see in the world." Today that made sense to me for the first time. And, theoretically, I'm a smart and educated man.

My encouragement to you today is to think about how you relate to the world around you. If you think you can, and should, be doing better, step back for a second and examine yourself. It's working for me.