Paternity Leave

Although I can probably think of more fun ways to spend 8 weeks of my vacation and sick time, I can't really think of anything more fulfilling than what I've been doing for the last 3 weeks.

I mean, when you break my day up into little bits, when you catalog my activities, really my days don't seem to be much of anything. A diaper change here, a feeding there, a baby bath, walking the dog, rocking the baby to sleep in my arms, watching a movie while intently listening to my baby's breathing...

None of these things, in and of themselves, really sounds that great. In and of themselves, none of these things really is that great.

But the sum of these things is what makes me feel so good about the parts.

Four weeks ago, my typical day was wake up, go to work, while away the hours in my office, waiting for 5pm, go home, eat dinner, watch TV, and go to bed.

Three weeks ago, a miracle happened. My life took on a greater meaning.

Don't get me wrong. I've always known that my life was to be spent in more meaningful ways than wasting my time waiting for the next Must-See-TV event. I've just never really exercised that knowledge.

Of course, the introduction of a new person into the world, and into your life, forces some re-direction of energy and some re-evaluation of why one is here. I'm here, of course, because God wants me to be. My job, I believe, is mine because of some greater purpose that I am serving, or have yet to serve. My wife is my wife because I love her, but perhaps more importantly because she's the person God wants me to be with.

Whatever. You get the gist--I'm constantly dogged by the feeling that, despite the arrangements that God has made for me, I'm wasting my time.

Now I can't really waste time. I wake up and spend my whole day focussing on my kid, or focussing on my wife, or focussing on both, until its time to go to bed. I do some other stuff, but I find it being re-justified in the context of my new fatherhood.

I go to the gym. Before, when I went to the gym I focussed on building muscles. Now I focus on aerobics, and go not only because I want to lose weight (8 lbs. in the last 2 weeks!), but more importantly because I want to see my daughter graduate high school (something my dad wasn't able to accomplish with me, due to the family health issues).

I go to the store, but always end up walking through the baby section, looking for the next must-have item to improve our capacity for child-rearing.

I go to see my friends (on occasion), but am always conscious in my mind that I am not at home pulling my weight, and feeling a tug to get back there so that I am doing my part.

I was holding Stella today and thinking of how great parental leave is. How much would it suck to have to wake up every morning (after a spotty sleep) and leave for 9 hours, wondering through the day what quirky little faces or funny little sounds I was missing? Not knowing whether my wife was able to sneak in a nap? Realizing that, once home, it'd be a struggle to get some good time in before sleepiness took over?

I mean, I'm going to have to deal with that soon enough. I'm just glad I'm able to be here now, to spend some quality time and get some good bonding in...



Anyhoo, enough blathering. Stella's threatening to wake up here any second, so I have to get a bottle ready. More later...