SOAP Notes

Yet another installment of Tuesday's occasional SOAP Notes series.

January 22, 2008
Exodus 3-5; Luke 22

S: Exodus 3:10-11
10 "Therefore, come now, and I will send you to Pharaoh, so that you may bring My people, the sons of Israel, out of Egypt."
11 But Moses said to God, “Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh, and that I should bring the sons of Israel out of Egypt?"

O: Moses is talking to a burning bush, the manifestation of God, and is learning what his mission is. Moses is being given his purpose, and he’s afraid, has doubts, and challenges God.

A: This verse speaks to all of us, because this verse reflects the feeling that we’ve all had from time to time. I, for one, have had very distinct impressions at various points in my life of what I should be doing. I’ve had times of great clarity (however fleeting) where I’ve understood exactly what my purpose was for being in a certain place at a certain time. Sure, I’ve never been talked to by a burning bush, but I’ve felt God at work in a not-uncertain way in these moments. And, despite this, there have been so many of these times where I’ve balked. Where I’ve stepped back from the opportunity and said, “Really? Me?”

So often I wonder what God is thinking. Why am I the one for this job at this time? I mean, really, what do I have to offer? It’s the same insecurity that raises its head in so many situations, whether those of divine intervention or those of simple life, where I find myself facing a task and not feeling equal to it. Often, in fact, hoping beyond hope that I’m not equal to it, because to walk away is safer than to try and to fail.

A common thread I see in these SOAP notes is one of disappointment in myself. I’ve played it safe throughout life, deciding not to step out, whether due to a fear of failure, or perhaps due to a fear of success. If I’m successful in something I enter into on someone else’s terms (be they God’s or another person’s), I’m no longer free to be successful on my own terms in the things I want to put my time, my effort, and my heart into.

So what am I fearing? Am I fearing the result of the situation? Or am I fearing a loss of control? I think more the latter than the former. And, in reading Moses, I wonder how much his protest is out of real uncertainty in himself, and how much of his protest is out of a desire to avoid getting pulled out of his comfort zone. In reading Moses, I wonder how different he really is from the rest of us. Perhaps the thing that distinguishes him isn’t that he was such a great man, but instead that he surrendered himself to walking in a path, for better or worse, that wasn’t the one he would have chosen.

P: God, help me to lay down my fear of losing control. If I can’t listen to a burning bush—if I can’t give in even when I’m certain that You are the one trying to lead me—then what hope is there? I try so hard to feel like I’m a servant: to you, to others, to whomever there is to serve. Help me to actually serve, though, to cede mastership of situations and to really be in the moment, to serve and to give and to ultimately find the greatness that comes from simply abandoning my own plan for Yours. Take away fear, bring peace, and conquer my will. Amen.